A Seinfeld Story

This is not the ideal format for scripts, but I was sick last week, I’m still sick but I was sick, then, too. I found this old tweet I wrote during COVID, and tinkered with it. I had just learned about No Contact and immediately wrote this with George Costanza in mind. Enjoy.

Int. Monk’s Diner. Day.

*Jerry and George are sitting in the booth. Elaine walks in*

*Elaine sits, unhappy*

Jerry: Tough day Lois?

Elaine: David Puddy is getting married.

George: David Puddy?

Elaine: David. Puddy.

Jerry: Puddy’s getting married?

Elaine: David Puddy is getting married.

Jerry: The David Puddy.

Elaine: The one and only.

George: You told him not to wait.

Elaine: I know that! I didn’t mean it.

Jerry: Wait, you want to be with him?

Elaine: No… I mean… I don’t know.

*Elaine pouts*

Elaine: I want to get married.

*Jerry and George look at the table, visibly uncomfortable*

George: Hey! How’d your date go last night? With uh-uh-Amanda, right?

Jerry: It was good. We’ve gone out a few times. She really gets me. She’s meeting me at the club tonight after my show.

Elaine [tearfully]: Sounds pretty serious, Jerry.

George: Next thing you know you’ll be meeting her parents.

Jerry: I don’t think so. She’s No Contact.

George and Elaine: No Contact?

*Kramer walks in and sits with them*

Jerry: NC. No communication. No interaction. She doesn’t talk to them at all.

George: You can do that?!

Kramer: No Contact?

George: No Contact!

Elaine: How do you know about that?

Kramer: I NC people all the time. You remember Steve Gendason, my old golf buddy. We got into a fight after I penalized him a stroke.

Jerry: Didn’t he kill the dry cleaner after that penalty stroke?

Kramer [guiltily leaves the diner]: No Contact!

George: No Contact…

Elaine: And she went No Contact?

George: No Contact…

Jerry: What do you mean?

Elaine: I mean, did she cut them out or did they, you know…

Jerry: Oh, you can’t be serious!

George: No Contact…

Elaine: Did you ask her?

Jerry: Well, no, I mean…

Jerry and George: No Contact…

Int. Jerry’s Apt. Day.

*Jerry on the phone*

Jerry: Yeah, I had a great time last night. When can I see you again?

*Apartment Buzzes*

Jerry: Uh-huh. You’ll call me?

*Jerry crosses and hits the buzzer*

Jerry: Well, sure, yeah you can call me. I’ll hear from you, right? Because even if you don’t want to see me again, I’d like to know. You know?

*George walks in*

Jerry: Alright, I’ll talk to you soon…

*Jerry hangs up the phone*

Jerry: … I hope.

George: I’m going NC.

Jerry: What?

George: No Contact! I’m NC’ing!

Jerry: Who are you NC’ing?

George: My parents, Jerry, my parents! I can’t believe this has been an option, they should teach this in high school.

*Kramer enters*

Jerry: How long has this been going on?

George: Since you were telling us about Amanda. I’ll tell you, Jerry, this is the best decision I’ve ever made. For the first time in my life I’m free!

Jerry: Its only been a few days.

Kramer: What’s going on?

Jerry: George is going NC.

George: No Contact!

Kramer: Who are you NC’ing?

Jerry: Did you even tell them?

George and Kramer: Who?

Jerry: Your parents!

George: No Contact.

*Phone Rings*

Jerry [rolling his eyes]: No Contact…

*Jerry picks up the phone*

Jerry: Hello? Oh, hello Mr. Costanza.

George [whispers]: No Contact!

Jerry: Yes, he’s here, Mr. Constanza.

Frank: He’s there? Put him on!

Jerry: He’s going NC. No Contact.

Frank: No Contact? What the hell does that mean?

Jerry: Uhh…

*Kramer takes the phone*

Kramer: Frank, it’s me.

Frank: Kosmo! What the hell is this No Contact?

Kramer: No communication, no interaction. Nada.

Frank: No communication?

Estelle: How are we supposed to have dinner?

Kramer: Well… uh…

George: No Contact!

Frank: He’s NC’ing me? I’m NC’ing him! No Contact!

Estelle: Oh my god.

*Kramer hangs up the phone*

Kramer: He’s NC’ing you.

George: He can’t do that. I NC’d him!

Jerry: Two parties can NC each other?

Kramer: Honestly, I’ve never seen this before.

Jerry: Hmm…

George: I’m going over there.

Jerry: I thought you were going No Contact.

George: I am! Which is why I’m going down there to explain to them that I am NC’ing them. They can’t NC me.

*George leaves*

George: No Contact!

Int. Reggie’s. Night.

Puddy: I didn’t think I’d hear from you again.

Elaine [smiling overtly]: I hope you didn’t really think that.

Puddy: Yea. I did. I thought you NC’d me.

Elaine: You know about that?

Puddy: Yea. It’s a new thing. It helps get distance from people who undermine you or disrespect your boundaries. It’s hard to retain our agency when we’re entrenched in abusive or otherwise harmful dynamics. The distance enables us to take stock of relationships’ pros and cons from a neutral position. That way we can either decide to cut ties altogether or re-engage using a healthier model of communication. It’s pretty cool.

Elaine [trying to be sexy]: I mean… We didn’t have many… Boundaries. We are always… communicating our needs.

Puddy: Yea. That’s in the past. We’re in the present. I’m with Barbara, now. It’s pretty sweet.

Elaine [indignant]: Barbara.

Elaine [acting coy]: Once upon a time it was you and me, David. Don’t you wonder what it would be like if I was walking down the aisle?

Puddy: No.

Elaine: No?

Puddy: No.

Elaine: Why not?

Puddy: It was just sex, Elaine. Besides, you’re going to hell.

Elaine: Would you stop saying I’m going to hell! The priest said you were going to hell, too!

Puddy: Not anymore. I went to confession, told the priest about everything. I cried. It’s pretty cool.

Elaine: Everything? You told him about us?

Puddy: We were living in sin, Elaine, I had to.

Elaine [pushes Puddy from across the table]: You can’t tell him about us! That’s private!

Puddy: “There is nothing covered, that shall not be revealed; and hid, that shall not be known.”

Elaine: What the hell is that?

Puddy: It’s from the Bible. You’d know that if you were saved.

Elaine [angrily]: Shut up, David, you self-righteous grease-monkey. And stop talking to your priest about me!

Puddy: We have. It’s all forgiven Elaine… I forgive you.

Elaine [rolling her eyes, sarcastic]: Ugh. Great.

Puddy: But can you forgive yourself?

*Elaine’s brow furrows*

Elaine: [motioning toward the server and snapping]: Alright, alright. I’m out of here. David, I don’t want to hear—

Puddy: —Actually, Elaine, that’s why I’m here. My priest told me that if you came back into my life I’d have to go NC.

Elaine [incredulous]: NC… Me?

*Beat*

Elaine: You can’t do that. I was about to NC you! You’re NC’d!

Puddy [gets up from the booth]: Whatever. I’ll pray for you, Elaine, I hope you find peace. Don’t contact me.

*Puddy walks away*

Elaine: No, don’t contact me, David! I’m NC’ing you! Don’t talk about me to your priest! He’s NC’d too!

*Puddy leaves Reggie’s. Everyone is looking at Elaine*

Elaine [throws two fists in the air]: No Contact!

Int. Mendy’s. Night.

Jerry: So, how do you like the soup?

Amanda: It’s good, it’s really good.

Jerry: Would you count this as a meal?

Amanda: The soup… Yeah, I’d count this as a meal.

Jerry: You’re going to be satisfied with the soup?

Amanda: Sure, I ordered it hoping that I’d be satisfied. So, far it seems to be working.

Jerry [eyes narrow, like an interrogator]: Is it worth a suit, you think?

Amanda: Is the soup worth a suit? What kind a suit?

Jerry: Let’s say someone gave you a suit and as compensation they wanted a meal. Would this be a satisfactory transaction?

Amanda: Hm… So, If I gave you a suit and you bought me a soup—

Jerry: —No, no. You ordered the soup. I took you out for a meal in exchange for the suit.

Amanda: And I ordered the soup?

Jerry: That’s right.

Amanda: That seems like I wasted my meal

Jerry: Thank you! Yes, you did. You did waste the meal. And there’s not another meal after this.

Amanda: Of course not, I ordered the soup. You got a suit. I’m a bad negotiator.

Jerry: Yeah, a bad… negotiator. A Bania.

Amanda: What?

Jerry: Nothing…

*Beat*

Jerry: So, what was your childhood like?

Amanda [visibly uncomfortable]: I’d rather talk about something else.

Jerry [does not notice the discomfort]: Right, right. Cause mine was a lot of give and take, you know…

Amanda [eyes the door]: Uh-huh.

Jerry: Sometimes I’d be mad. Sometimes my parents would be mad, so…

Int. Monk’s Cafe. Day.

Elaine: You asked her who cut it off?

Jerry: I had to know!

George: I got to get over to my parents.

Jerry: What happened to No Contact?

George: We’re going… Low Contact. You can still—

Elaine: —Have dinner?

George [sighs]: Low Contact.

*George leaves*

Elaine: So, what happened with Amanda?

Jerry: She NC’d me.

Elaine: She NC’d you?

Jerry [motions his hands like an umpire declaring someone safe]: No Contact!

*Beat*

Jerry [tentative to broach the subject]: So, how are you doing with Puddy? Are you still…

Elaine [emphatically, holds up her hand stopping the conversation]: No Contact.

*Kramer walks in with Amanda and sees them awkwardly*

Elaine and Jerry: Kramer!

Jerry [confused]: Amanda?

*Kramer and Amanda leave the diner*

Kramer [looking back]: No Contact.

END