Most holy Theotokos, save us!

It is finals week here which means that we are entering a liminal time of doubt, exhaustion, and frustration all melting into the liminal threshold of my studies and the dog days of summer.

This season has already been abundant with doubt, exhaustion, and frustration so it seems only appropriate to end how we began. As a wreck, as a shell, and questioning my decision-making capabilities. 

Why, oh why did we take chemistry as a condensed course? 

I am a glutton for pain and a masochist as any comedian would attest to being as well. The thing that keeps me going is the goal post… This serves a purpose, and all these years will be worth it once I get to where I am going, no matter the cost of sleepless nights, balancing life outside of classes, and the existence of math it is worth it.

As fate would have it there is no rest for the weary and so today begins the Dormition Fast in celebration of our Blessed Lady, the holy Theotokos’ bodily assumption into Paradise on the third day of her repose. 

We celebrate this mystery on August 15th, and in the two weeks leading up to it we adhere to a strict fast abstaining from fish, meat, dairy, oil, and wine with the latter two permitted only on weekends. I’ll be eating a lot of boiled broccoli, beans, and fruit for the next couple of weeks which is not exactly far out of the realm of my daily diet. 

I’m a masochist, what can I say? 

It is in honor of our most Lady, the very Theotokos, who was the first disciple, a paragon of humility and meekness, who gave birth to God the Word–to Life–who would become the first to be resurrected in bodily form that we fast for the next two weeks. It is assuming her sacrifice that I, Pabst, am undertaking a different type of fast for the next two weeks to which I hope will become a permanent shedding in the days that follow our Blessed Lady’s Dormition.

This different type of fast is inspired by my co-host’s explaining to me that he sets boundaries in using the “Whole30” elimination diet plan in which he cuts off contact with people, or puts up strong, intentional boundaries, to gauge whether this person is someone who is a toxic presence or a life-giving one.

Does someone take more than they give?

Does someone make you feel empty after you’ve spoken with them?

These are people we must put up boundaries to remain in relation with them or cut off altogether.

This may seem pretty extreme, but in objectively observing my own life the type of familiar traumas I (sub)consciously seek leads to the exact sort of relationships that have led to feeling emptied of joy, full of anger, or with self-doubt… In short, relationships that make me feel like a condensed chemistry course.

It is a fast from people that, by the grace of God, I realize are not facilitating my peace, but taking away from it. 

It is difficult in recovery appreciating that some relationships are not meant to cross certain thresholds in our lives… In recovery you realize you can only save yourself. No matter how selfish or guilty it makes us feel, we must work out our own salvation, because no one will do the work for us.

When the Blessed Mother accepted her role in the redemption of the world everything changed, “The people who walked in darkness have seen a great light; those who lived in a land of darkness—on them light has shined” (Isaiah 9:2). We are, like the Theotokos, taking responsibility for our own redemption when we are exposed to the light, because we must hold fast to the light…

It is easy to fall back into habitual behavior and our own seeking familiar traumas that takes us away from that light. It is also not our responsibility to keep telling people about the light that shines upon us all. 

We all have a choice to make. 

So… in honor of the meekness perfectly embodied by our mother I must let go of things that cannot be carried any further, for “the light shines in the darkness, and the darkness did not overtake it” (John 1:5). No matter what we do it is always a choice, and we cannot hope that others will make the choices that we want them to make, because then we are trying to control the very things we have no control over, but we can control our choices.

Instead of judging others for making the choices that we want them to make we might have a better chance at not falling back into old behavior by making those choices ourselves. If that means walking away from people then so be it, but we cannot straddle the line between the darkness and light. We must make a choice for ourselves, and we must deal with the consequences of that… 

Those consequences are, in this moment, losing people we were once close to, but it’s all to grow closer to God. 

Things must be left at the door. It does feel bad, it feels like there should be another way… but the other way I want is my way, which may not be the will of God. There are things, relationships, friendships, and behaviors that cannot come through the narrow gate. We are all on our own path and we must honor that by making the choices that allow us to continue going on the Way. 

This season meets me after a long summer, a long year of holding on to what I once understood as life, but now I recognize as the alley ways spoken of by the blessed Fr. Seraphim Rose: 

“Christ is the only exit from this world; all other exits—sexual rapture, political utopia, economic independence—are but blind alleys in which rot the corpses of the many who have tried them.”

Following Christ is a practice of dying to the self, so that Life can be born within us, “He must increase, but I must decrease” (John 3:30). 

We must acknowledge what we hold onto, what we cling to, whatever it is: be it substances, unwelcome states of thinking, or relationships that perpetuate our suffering. These are attachments which must be given to God, for they are His to begin with—our lives are His and by fasting from these things we are saying “Yes” to Him. 

He will give us what we need in this life, but we must allow Him to do so. 

We need to say “Yes,” as the Theotokos did, because though we carry our cross our hope is in the resurrection, not only because the Lord our God rose again, but because His mother, our mother, the Theotokos, did so by His power revealing the destiny of discipleship. 

There is a goal post at the end of our sojourning through this world. There is a reason; we have purpose. So, good luck and God be with you all who are fasting these next two weeks, if you are anything like me you will use this time to reflect on what is in your life that is distracting from your path or leading you astray, what kind of things make you slip, what kind of situation or people encourage spiritual blindness?

Give them to God.

What the fasting seasons remind us… 

No matter the cost, Life is worth it. 

Si comprehendis, non est Deus