Death, Silence, and Denying the Self

Christ is in our midst! He is and ever shall be!

“The devil is the source of every lie and deception and cunning and evil. This is why all thoughts aimed against Christians are in essence a lie and deception.

“He promises to the young every kind of prosperity through fanciful thoughts and beguiles them through illusory dreams with riches, pleasure, delights, eternal life, etc. (for this is the devil’s plan: to keep man from remembering death, since this ruins his plans), until they trust him as their best and most intimate friend. Then, once he entwines them in his webs as a spider its prey, with great ease he sucks up all their spiritual substance and renders them dead in relation to God” (Counsels from the Holy Mountain 176).

I’ve noticed, recently, how lonely it is to follow the Way, to give oneself to Christ, and to live with the mind in μετάνοια. It’s sort of maddening objectively seeing your own views change, not out of false humility to fit in better with those around us, but actually changing because the world is different, now. The world is legitimately different, and I am not sure how best to explain that it is like being on a drug that makes you sober. 

This experience of the world, this perspective is through Christ and Christ alone–the changing of my mind is in relation to putting off the old man Toast, no longer running about causing a ruckus because he can. It’s like… This is going to sound strange, but the way I feel is as if I have no interest in going down to the bar.

Sure, I’m busier now with the whole getting-my-life-together thing, but thinking of drinking is… I just don’t care. I don’t care about my old barstool and the chuckles erupting out of tonic bubbles. I don’t care about the way cigarette smoke dances in a blue haze underneath streetlights. I don’t care about getting gacked out on curb-stomped powder lifted off a toilet seat. We all have the passions to contend with, but recently I’ve begun noticing that all they do is waste time, all they do is lead to the death of the spirit. 

And you know what? I am realizing that these were only the loudest passions, the most apparent demons that needed fighting, because tempering them has only revealed sin to be an onion. The greater passions only serve to mask the deeper ones. So, no, I don’t care about going to the bar, because that won’t make the pride go away. Vodka isn’t going to cure my vainglory, nor will it eradicate anger–it will only inflame them.  

The other thing this makes me realize is drinking is the least of my worries. If I am giving all credit to the devil in the bottle, then I am not seeing the full picture; I am not able to discern objectively what is behavior that ensures ensnarement in the traps laid by the devil. 

Guarding myself against losing time to the bar is a good habit, because it does waste time when I could be (and would rather be) praying, writing, working, etc. The habit, though, is not to guard against the drink specifically, it is the habit of remembering death. 

This habit seems pretty paradoxical to a fiend like me, I mean, I certainly remembered death when I passed out from huffing (too much) freon in a barn—“huffed himself stupid” is the medical term, but this isn’t remembering death… This is just dying. And dying for nothing, for that matter. 

Have you ever done a whip-it?

Freon is like whip-its on crank.

Would you consider laying down your life for a whip-it? 

Would you swear on a whip-it? 

I think this is needlessly idolizing whip-its and because even Juggalos need God we’re not going to dwell here but dwelling here is death to God where the old man Toast makes his home. 

This is not the contemplation of death. This is abandonment. 

There is nothing mysterious about stealing freon out of your mom’s A/C unit in order to get high.

Death is a mystery. 

“Behold, I tell you a mystery: We shall not all sleep, but we shall all be changed—in a moment, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trumpet. For the trumpet will sound, and the dead will be raised incorruptible, and we shall be changed. For this corruptible must put on incorruption, and this mortal must put on immortality. So when this corruptible has put on incorruption, and this mortal has put on immortality, then shall be brought to pass that that is written: ‘Death is swallowed up in victory’” (1 Corinthians 15:51-54).

Since we’re all wondering, for academic purposes, the individual huffs freon out of a garbage bag, let me tell you something: there ain’t no victory in swallowing up a whole mess of freon from a Glad bag. 

You see what St. Paul is saying, though, right? We must put on change, incorruption, and immortality. It is still a choice. And we do not enter into His kingdom without finding His glory here, on earth, amidst the things of this world. 

This is where we seek Christ, not in death, because in death it is too late. This goes for our spiritual health as well, Christ cannot be found as long as we are controlled by the old man, growing “corrupt according to the deceitful lusts” (Ephesians 4: 22), for “the sting of death is sin” (1 Corinthians 15:56). 

So, instead of being controlled by our passions, led by sin to death we turn to living, ready to give account for our sins. To give an account for our lives and to know that, at any moment, we will stand in judgment of how we spent our lives on earth, “See then that you walk circumspectly, not as fools but as wise, redeeming the time, because the days are evil” (Ephesians 5:15). Christ redeemed the world, and due to humanity’s fallen state we have proved to be poor caretakers of His Creation, but that does not mean we reject it, outright, because to do so would be to reject His Creation! Therefore, as sinners living in repentance our mind is always on God, because our thoughts are a choice, as well. 

If we say we have put off the old man and continue lingering in sin within our hearts then we only delude ourselves and continue bringing about sin. You can’t be sober with a trash bag full of freon in your mouth.

This is not to say that by putting off the old man we will not be tempted, experience shows that it is quite the opposite; surely temptation enters into the hearts of both the old man and the new, the difference is how the temptations are handled, “Blessed is the man who endures temptation; for when he has been approved, he will receive the crown of life which the Lord has promised to those who loved Him. Let no one say when he is tempted, ‘I am tempted by God’; for God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does He Himself tempt anyone. But each one is tempted when he is drawn away by his own desires and enticed. Then, when desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, brings forth death. Do not be deceived, my beloved brethren” (James 1:12-16). 

That is to say, let us not deceive ourselves into thinking that we have been saved or have overcome our passions. Furthermore, let us never decide that we cannot fall, again, because that would indicate we have already done so, and due to our pride, we never realized it. Truly, a great saint can be a great sinner as well as a great sinner has the potential to be a great saint. We must know we are always capable of falling into sin, backsliding and putting off the new man for the comfort of the old.